CREATE-A-PLATE – American Apple Pie

In an effort to bring more variety to my posts here on 99pLAtes (and to give my dining out slush fund a rest!!) I’ve decided to incorporate a do-it-yourself section to the blog. CREATE-A-PLATE entries will give me the chance to try out some inspiring recipes I’ve come across and it will give you a chance to laugh at my utter despair as I schlep my way through the kitchen.

Lucky for you (and me) I’m going to start with the basics (besides the pitch for my male version of Julie and Julia hasn’t gotten very far). So the Thomas Keller and Julia Child cookbooks will be left for another day. On the first episode of CREATE-A-PLATE we’ll be tackling a pLAte as American as Sam the Eagle: Old Fashioned Apple Pie.

Chief among the various weekly podcasts I listen to on my way to work is the NPR smash hit “The Splendid Table” featuring Lynne Rossetto Kasper. 


Things you need to know about Lynne – she has sort of a lisp, she uses adjectives like ‘stupendous’ and ‘astounding’ to describe things like pumpkin bread and she exudes more Minnesota "don't cha know" charm than her rivals over on "The Delicious Dish".

Love her (John Kazlauskas and grandmothers everywhere) or hate her (Sean Jennings and everyone in the 18-49 demo), Lynne is going to be our guide for this American Adventure.

For the complete recipe, I’ll direct you to Lynne’s website where she apparently lifted the recipe from The Pie and Pastry Bible, by Rose Levy Beranbaum.

Around 5:15 on Saturday afternoon, I took a quick trip to Target (they sell groceries now) to pick up the supplies. I planned on making two pies, one for dinner with Jessie, John and our friend Brian that night and another for a dinner party on Sunday. I also committed to making my own dough, which in retrospect, is crazy. “$27.48” said the nice cashier in a Blanche Devereaux-inspired shoulder padded red top. Seriously $30 bucks? I wonder how much apple pie goes for at the House of Pies…

Back at the house, I got to work peeling, blending, rolling and waiting and waiting and waiting…the dough needed to “relax and chill”…seriously Lynne…meanwhile John was gearing up for the cooking by creating some “Creepy Cocktails” from his Martha Stewart Everyday Food. Rum + Simple Syrup + Lime Juice + Pomegranite Juice = Stupendous

What follows below is a pictorial account of perhaps the most difficult culinary clusterf*ck I have ever endured. A brief timeline:

6:35p – Peeling apples is fun!


6:38p - After 3.5 minutes, peeling apples...not as fun 

7:10p – 6 pounds of apples is a lot of apples….

7:15p - There is a critical difference between baking soda and baking powder. Back to Target.

8:10p - Trying to decipher this step. “Holding both ends of the bag opening with your fingers, knead the mixture by alternately pressing it from the outside of the bag with the knuckles and heels of your hands until the mixture holds together in one piece and feels slightly stretchy when pulled.” It might as well be written in Klingon.

8:45p - Learning that wine bottles make fantastic rolling pins.

9:05p – Four hours in and a new revelation. Brian is vegan. Pie has butter. No pie for Brian.

9:15p – Dinner Break.  17 is the number of Minutes it took Jessie to make dinner and also happens to be the number of steps left in this recipe.

9:40p – Pies are in the oven…ETA for my mouth is another 55 minutes.

Alas, the pie project that began at 5:15 was finally enjoyed around 10:45. I will say, the pie accompanied by a scoop of TJ’s vanilla bean tasted delicious. However, at this point in the night I was about six Creepy Cocktails in…so honestly I could have been eating a Hostess Fruit Pie and it would have tasted the same.

The moral of this first CREATE-A-PLATE is that “Easy as pie” is perhaps the most ridiculous cliché I have ever heard. Next time replace “Easy as pie” with “Easy as buying pie”.

BTDubs...I called and an Apple Pie at the House of Pies goes for 10 bucks.